The 5 Things Men 40+ Want in Life (and How to Get Them)
If you’re 40+ you know you want different things in your life than you did in your 20’s.
But maybe you can’t put your finger on exactly ‘what’ it is you want or you know what you want but don’t know ‘how’ to get it.
So, to give you a head start, in this blog I’ve laid out the 5 things I’ve noticed men 40+ want in life. Of all the things I’ve noticed men 40+ want in life, these 5 are the standouts that come up time and time again. None of these things will be new to you. In fact, they will all be familiar. They will all make sense. The other interesting thing is, the 5 things aren’t random and isolated. There’s an order to them. They’re actually linked together in sequence as part of a larger transformational process of renewal and reinvention.
In this blog I’ve de-coded the 5 things and explained ‘why’ men want them in life and why they move through them in a particular way. Then I’ve provided a comprehensive guide for ‘how’ to get them. This gets into the fundamental nuts and bolts and translates my experience and real life client stories into day-to-day practical steps and tools you can apply to your life. On top of that, I’ve thrown in YouTube videos of credible middle aged blokes you’ll be able to relate to talking about these topics. Plus a few books in there as well.
There’s a bit in this blog and it tuned out to be a 30-minute read. But if the thought of a 30-minute read just filled you with dread, I’ve summarised it and before the 30-minute version I’ve provided a streamlined 3-minute read version of the 5 things to “wet your appetite” and spark your interest into diving into the 30-minute version.
The best starting place, for both versions, is to think about this question: What causes a man at 40+ to want something different in life?
I notice that its typically some kind of “urgent life event.”
With that being said, here we go with the 3-minute version of the 5 things men 40+ want in life.
The 3-Minute Version of The 5 Things
I notice men will be going alone fine in life, until some sort of unexpected urgent life event happens around the age of 40. Commonly, this is the death of a friend, parent, family member or colleague, or a redundancy, divorce, major operation, “health scare” or heart attack. Following this urgent life event, men say things like, “My time is running out” “That could happen to me” “Whats the point?” “I’ve lost everything” “The world’s turned upside down” “My life’s fallen apart” “Nothing will ever be the same” “I’m a failure” or “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
It makes them rethink or reset their whole life, rearrange their life priorities, and acts as the catalyst for the 5 things men 40+ now want in life, which are:
But while they want the 5 things, the thread that ties all these things together is the search for the unlived life. You see, a man’s objective In the first half of a life is to provide for their family and kids. But in order to provide for others, to a large degree, they have to put on hold or postpone what they want. The urgent life event acts like a “wake up call” and now in the second half of life, from 40+, they’re playing catch-up. They want to go back and collect up their unlived life and live it out. They want to break free from the shackles and do the things they’ve always wanted to do. But to do the things they want, they have to give up parts of their current life structure and rebuild their life around the 5 things. The 5 things then act like building blocks for their new 40+ life structure and enable them to live out their unlived life.
The first of the 5 things I notice men want is 1) time. Time is the key that unlocks all the other things.
After the urgent life event, a man may say, “Thank God there’s still time.” They want to make the best use of the time they have left. Time becomes the most important currency in their life. But to get time, they need to make a trade. They let go of or give up money in order to get more time. In other words, money buys them time. They go through an economic remodelling so they’re earning just enough to live simply, modestly and freely. This gives them the mental and physical space to start rebuilding their life structure around the next 4 things. They get to work on rebuilding. They 2) rediscover who they are by learning to feel again, taking back “self” in relationships and finding a deeper level of connection with other men who inspire them and pull them forward into a new version of themselves. Next they build a daily routine, structure, habits and practices that keep them 3) healthy and get their stress under control.
Laying these buildings blocks give them a solid foundation to head off and find a 4) new meaning and purpose in any or a combination of ‘6’ ways: #1 by doing work where they contribute to society, “give back” to their community, fight for a cause they believe in or stand up for something they care about; #2 by leaving a legacy through their kids; #3 through creative pursuits; #4 by “giving back” their expertise through mentoring, coaching, teaching or speaking; #5 via religion; or #6 spending time in nature, travelling and adventure.
A by-product of rebuilding their life around these things is they 5) learn new skills, in what “they’re interested in.” Along the way, they build new habits, hone skills and develop tools. As a result, they can see themselves improve, develop, expand and get better. This translates into concrete signs of progress, forward movement and growth. Day-by-day they’re uncovering and living out the unlived life within them. This gives them the sense of leading a fulfilling and rewarding life and of reaching their potential.
Curious to get into the practical steps and tools for ‘how’ you can make these things happen? Read on.
The 30-Minute Version of The 5 Things
The Urgent Life Event
A man will be going alone fine in life, until out of the blue, some sort of urgent life event, crisis, calamity or something terrible happens around the age of 40. This can be:
The death of a friend, parent, family member or colleague
Them or a friend, parent, family member or colleague getting cancer, an auto-immune disease or having a stroke or heart attack
Depression, burnout or addiction (this was my urgent life event)
Diagnosed with a mental health condition or disorder
Physical health problems, a sudden health breakdown or a significant “health scare” like IBS, pre-diabtetes, diabetes, migraines, pneumonia, weight gain, insomnia or joint pain from being on the tools
A serious injury or accident
Turning a significant age like 40 or 50
A major operation like hip/knee replacement, heart bypass or weight loss surgery
Getting separated or divorced, loss of kids or a custody battle
Being made redundant
Children leaving home (empty nest)
Any one or a combination of these urgent life events can have a profound effect on how they think about life and how they perceive it. It can really hit home and make them question everything. Even more so if the event was totally unexpected. But more than that, the event can: Force them to think about and face their ‘own’ death that lies ahead; prevent them from normal functioning; shatter the world they once occupied; destabilise their life; destroy previously relied upon core beliefs; strip them of meaning and purpose; and take away their identity.
Following an urgent life event, men may say things like, “My time is running out” “I’ve lived more of my life, than I’ve got left to live” “That could happen to me” “I could be next” “If I don’t look after myself, I won’t live much longer” “I’ve lost everything” “The world’s turned upside down” “My reality has been shattered” “My life’s fallen apart” “Nothing will ever be the same” “I don’t know what’s real anymore” “Whats the point?” “I have lots of questions about what’s really important” “Does anything I do ‘actually’ matter?” “I’m a failure” “I don’t know who I am anymore” or “I’m truly alone.”
The urgent life event(s) makes them rethink or reset their whole life, rearrange their life priorities, and acts as the catalyst for the 5 things men 40+ now want in life.
I’m not saying it’s always an urgent life event. For 90% of men it is. But for the other 10% it can be a steady erosion of normal functioning, meaning and purpose, and identity over the years. They can wind up in a similar spot as the blokes end up in after the urgent life event—feeling stuck or trapped, tired “of the same old thing” and questioning what they’re doing with their life. The ‘erosion guys’ end up wanting the same 5 things as the ‘urgent life event guys.’ While both want the same thing, I’ll stick with the urgent life event route and language to keep it cleaner.
While the men want the 5 things, each of which I’ll cover next, the thread that ties all these things together is the search for the unlived life.
The Unlived Life
A man’s life can simply be divided into two half’s: the first half of life and the second half of life. Some men refer to it as the first act, and the second act. But for this blog, I’ll stick with half’s. The urgent life event typically occurs in midlife around the age of 40, at the juncture between the two half’s. The urgent life event causes the half’s to look very different.
Generally, In the first half of a life, a man’s objective is to climb the ladder, secure a good enough job and build a life structure so that they can provide for their family and kids. But while they get satisfaction, reward and recognition for doing so, they have to neglect, sacrifice, bury, defer, compromise, put on hold or postpone what they want in order to provide for others.
The urgent life event acts like a “wake up call” and now in the second half of life, from 40+, they want to reclaim or “take back” these parts of themselves they’ve set-aside. They’re playing catch-up. They want to go back and collect up their unlived life and live it out. They want to put themselves first, break free from the shackles and do the things they’ve missed out on and postponed for years. They want to do the things they’ve always wanted to do.
But while they want this, they might not know ‘how’ to make it happen. The other thing is, they don’t want to risk jumping into it, making rash decisions and inadvertently lose or hurt others either. They’ve got to go back to the drawing board. Their objective now is to modify, renovate, dismantle, let go of or give up parts of their current life structure and rebuild, recalibrate, reshape or restructure their life around the 5 things they now want. The 5 things then act like the building blocks for their new 40+ life structure and enable them to live out their unlived life.
Here’s a video from Peter Fritz (YouTube channel: Act Two) talking about the first act: solidifying a base and providing for family and children, and the second act: renewal, reinvention, choosing what matters and pursuing things that make you feel alive.
The first of the 5 things they want is time. Time is crucial. Time is the key that unlocks all of the other things.
1. Time
“Controlling your time is such a key to happiness. Having more control over your time is becoming one of the most valuable currencies in the world.” -The Psychology of Money
After the urgent life event, a man may say, “Thank God there’s still time.” They want to make the best use of the time they have left. Time becomes the most important currency in their life. In the first half of life, money is often more important than their time. But at 40+ this reverses, and time is now worth more than money—and they want it back.
For the first half of their life, it’s likely they’ve danced to someone else’s tune. Now at 40 + they want their time back and to take control of their life. They ask themselves: “How do I want to spend my days?” They want the freedom and autonomy to call the shots, work on their own terms, on their own schedule and in their own way. They don’t want to be at work at 7am anymore, they want flexibility to do 3 days in the office and 2 days from home or the variety to do part office work and part physical work.
Getting their time back means they can do one of the most important tasks a man can do in his life—learn to “slow down.” Most men have spent their lives in “doing mode”—proving themselves, high performing, being productive, getting things done, competing, building competence, constant progress, advancing and climbing, all without complaining, showing weakness, quitting or giving up. They don’t know any different than doing mode. In fact, at the root of most of the problems in their life—the stress, burnout, health problems or divorce—will lie not being able to slow down. They need time to unlearn “doing mode” and practice “being mode”—just be alone with themselves, fighting all the urges to do something, “slow down” “power down” “sit still” “do nothing” and just “think things over.”
Slowing down unfortunately doesn’t happen overnight. It takes deliberate practice. After my urgent life event, I found myself during a 2-week decompression time out in a bookshop in Byron Bay picking up this book, Slow: Live Life Simply. I didn’t seek out “slowness.” But when I saw the title, I intuitively knew I’d needed “slow” for a long time. Here’s a picture of it still standing on top of my bookshelf behind my desk as a day-to-day reminder for me to practice “slow living.”
Once they slow down, they create the time and physical and mental space necessary to start rebuilding their life structure around the 4 other things: 2) rediscovering who they are; 3) putting their health first (and reducing stress); 4) finding a new meaning and purpose; and 5) learning new skills. This sounds simple, but to make these 4 other things happen, they need time to: alter mindset, explore, experiment, brainstorm ideas, plant seeds, discover hobbies, network more, “try things on for size”, test-drive different opportunities, develop tools and build new habits.
Here’s how you get more time:
Here’s what I’ve noticed about how blokes find more time—they make a trade. They let go of or give up money (inc. income, wealth, salary and lifestyle) and identity (inc. status, career and title) in order to get more time. In this section I’ll cover money; Identity is covered in the next section. This is not just a physical letting go of money, but a psychological one. In the first half of life, I notice men tend to have a fixation with chasing money founded in one or a combination of fears and beliefs: The fear of not having enough money, being poor or going broke; the belief that money equals smarts & success; the belief that money is proof or evidence of success; the belief that money equals security; or the belief that money is a measure of their worth. While the fears and beliefs are there as the underlying driver it creates a vicious cycle of never having enough which gathers it’s own head of steam and results in them chasing money for the first half of their lives.
So, at 40+ they get clear on what money psychologically represents in their life—what are the benefits and upsides of chasing money and what are the downsides or drawbacks. If they can figure this out, they can let go of or “reset” their fears and beliefs about money and realise that they can use money to buy them time.
Now we’ve set the scene about the psychology of money, we can get into the practicalities of how you go through an economic remodelling. You cant just rush into this, you need focus and a plan. Here’s the tools and strategies for how you do it:
Increasing money: You sell off stuff. Write down what you need, your essentials, and then what you don’t need—what are the nice to haves, but you could live without. Then sell off anything you don’t need—typically things like investment properties, collections, memorabilia, cars, boats, camper vans, motorbikes. By selling this stuff, you create a “pot of gold”, a sum of money in the bank in the order of $100-300k, that you can give yourself “permission” to use to buy you time.
Decreasing money: Reduce your expenses to the bare minimum and pay off debt/credit. This involves a re-prioritisation of spending; spending on ‘your life’, instead of your ‘lifestyle.’ This includes living below your means and keeping your lifestyle expectations in check. This will also reduce financial stress.
Work out your Minimum Viable Income (MVI): Get a spreadsheet going and work out your minimum living costs you need to live simply. Basically, what you need to exist. Write down bills, outgoings, mortgage repayments, everything. Take into account your family responsibilities and constraints. Get this to a rock bottom dollar monthly figure. This figure will then tell you your MVI, the minimum income you need to earn to cover these costs. Be able to say, “I need to earn a minimum of $4,000 per month.” You might find that you don’t need as much money as you thought you did.
Role reversal: Get support and buy-in from your wife or partner. Swap turns on being the breadwinner—you may need to re-distribute roles and your wife or partner becomes the main breadwinner. You may have to re-learn to be financially supported by someone else.
Take a career break, career holiday or career time out: See my time out page for more information.
Live rent or mortgage free: Live with parents, live in parents property, live with siblings or live at a friends house.
Use inheritance
Here’s a video from Wayne Phipps (YouTube channel: Over 50’s Reset) talking about selling off stuff, creating a MVI and why time became so important to him.
Books on time and money
Here are a few books you might find useful:
The Psychology of Money: Timeless Lessons on Wealth, Greed and Happiness, provides a straight-shooter look at the psychology behind how we view money.
The Illusion of Money: Why Chasing Money is Stopping You From Receiving It, lays out how our fixation with money costs us our freedom, and our ability to step into our true power.
Now they’ve got time, they can begin to 2) rediscover who they are and 3) get their health and stress under control.
2. Identity: Rediscover Who They Are
In the first half of life, a man typically builds his identity around his work, and being a dad and a husband. The idea of himself is built around these three things. But the urgent life event—the redundancy, life threatening illness, divorce or heart attack can strip them of that identity or big parts of it. Men can be left thinking, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” While they don’t know who they are, the urgent life event has changed them and their world so much, that “they cant go back” to who they were either. They feel like a different person. At 40+, their task now is to let go of that past identity, who they were, and rediscover who they are. I notice men rediscover who they are in 3 ways:
#1 - Learn to feel again
In the first half of life, men tend to deprioritise feeling. They’ve got too many other priorities: work, raising kids, earning money. And too many things to be: decision maker, fixer and stoic. Feeling often takes a back seat. But now at 40+ men want to learn how to feel again. But how?
Here’s how you learn to feel again:
Here’s what I’ve noticed about how blokes learn to feel again. They use a conduit, bridge or portal to their feeling world. Something that doesn’t necessarily involve “talking” about how they feel but where they can “experience” how they feel. They may start with a “one off” class, workshop or experience that develops into a daily or weekly “practice,” that offers them space to check-in with their functioning and act as a “release valve.” Here’s the practical tool kit for how you do it:
Join a breathwork workshop: Like Wim Hof method, Steve Beattie or The Breath Haus. One client told me that at the end of his first breathwork workshop, he was lying down feeling introspective. The instructor asked the group to think about what was important in their life. In that moment, he recognised how important being a good dad was to his son.
Go to a yoga retreat or class: My girlfriend did a yoga retreat in Jan 2017. By 2018, she got me into it. It was excruciating at first but I’ve been doing yoga ever since. My story is similar to Craig White’s below.
Book a deep tissue massage: Men store emotion in the body—a massage is a great way to release it.
Go for an ice bath: Many blokes find ice baths useful for changing state and resetting the nervous system.
Brazilian Jiu-jitsu: Lots of blokes talk about the benefits of BJJ.
It may be a bit weird or different but what have you got to lose in trying it out? Soon, you’ll be the bloke raving about it to your mates.
Here’s an interview with Craig White, a high-performance international rugby coach turned life coach. At 38:24 mins you can hear him talking about a life-changing yoga retreat, “never stopping” all his life, hitting rock bottom and learning how to feel again.
#2 - Recalibrate relationships
In the first half of life, men tend to play roles, operate scripts or repeat the same patterns of relating and responding they learnt in their family growing up. They don’t see this, of course. It’s unconscious, automatic, on autopilot. So, how do I know this then? Because I notice they start to see the scripts, roles and patterns ‘after’ the urgent life event. It’s like the urgent life event jerks them out of their day-to-day life into a new position where they’re objectively looking at their life from the outside. They see a perspective they couldn’t see before. They couldn’t see it when they were in it, but now with the time and mental space available, the invisible is now visible. They see what was hiding in plain sight. They see the “bigger picture.” Now they start to see how they may:
In general relationships: Always put others first, avoid conflict, are self-reliant and manage everything on their own, feel responsible for other peoples happiness, try to keep people happy, rush in to fix the problem, try to please others, keep the peace and don’t speak up for themselves, feel shame being angry, avoid asking for help, don’t say no, tolerate unacceptable behaviour, take on other peoples problems, feel guilty if they don’t look after others or don’t “burden others” with their problems.
In their family: Be still playing the same role in their family that they did as a kid—the planner, care taker, fixer, rescuer, responsible one, peace keeper or mediator.
In their work: Have a fear of failure or feeling incompetent or inadequate, which has driven over-compensation mechanisms like perfectionism, over-achieving, over-investing, over-delivering and high performance. Others haven't set the bar high. They’ve actually set their ‘own’ bar high. They’ll begin to notice this repeated pattern of over-delivering leading to burnout cycling through their life. They thought the problem was the jobs they were in. But now, the penny drops. It slowly dawns on them the part they played.
They see how their blind spots, habit loops, defaults, tendencies and self-deceptive manoeuvres are getting in their own way. Over the years they’ve shown less “self” lost “self” “avoided being themselves” or “given themselves away” following the same automatic patterns of interacting they did in the past. In other words, the patterns have kept them from being themselves. This see how this has caused problems, conflict, disagreements, tension, arguments, anger, stress or burnout in their life. Now at 40+ they don’t want to be that person anymore. They don’t want to play the same role. They see how the settings on their relationship dials, are dialled to turn down “self” and are not serving them. They want to recalibrate the dials to take back or gain more “self.”
Here’s how to reclibrate relationships to gain more “self”:
Spot unhelpful relationship patterns:
Step 1 - Observe patterns: In real-time, identify your patterns of responding in relationships that don’t serve you. Notice when you are triggered, activated or reactive. Then immediately after, unpack the details of those real interactions by journalling, making notes, drawing sketches or doing voice notes to yourself. The goal is you want to see or visualise the pattern—to have a map. They did this…I responded…they said that….they walked out…I went after them.
Step 2 - Evaluate your behaviour: Stand back, review, and ask yourself: Is this pattern familiar? Is this a familiar dynamic? What’s works and what doesn’t? Is it having the effect I want? Is it getting positive results? Have I been here before? Is this who I really want to be? What ‘part’ do I play in sustaining this pattern? By seeing the hidden relationship patterns of how you lose “self” gives you the blue print of what you need to do to be more “self.”
Step 3 - Interrupt whats automatic: Interrupt the autopilot. Don’t do what you would normally do. If you feel yourself wanting to respond in the normal ways, catch yourself and stop. Pause. Then look for opportunities to practice, experiment, trial or “test out” different ways responding where you are more “yourself.” The trick is to do the opposite of your defaults. This will typically be by creating boundaries, being more yourself and getting needs met. Gaining more self is a series of mini-steps or mini-wins around these three things.
Create boundaries: A boundary is saying I’m this, not that. You create boundaries with the word “no.” Practice speaking up and saying “no” “no, that’s not okay” “I think about that differently” or “I’m not okay with that.” Ask yourself: What do I need to say no to? What do I need to stop doing? Every time you say no, you get clearer on who you are.
Be more yourself: Talk about yourself. Share beliefs, interests and challenges, even if it upsets others, they disapprove or sound uninterested.
Get needs met: Humans have inherent needs that drive all human behaviour. There are basic survival needs like safety, security, protection, food, shelter and water. Then above that, there are life needs like freedom, control, respect, autonomy, connection, support, fairness and belonging. All feelings are driven by needs met or unmet. Here are some examples: I’m angry (feeling) because I don’t feel listened to (need). I’m pissed off (feeling) because I feel disrespected (need). I’m content (feeling) because I feel valued (need). Ask yourself: What am I doing to meet my needs in this relationship? Practice finding your voice and requesting what you need. I notice men find it hard asking for help, respect, support and care. Practice asking for those.
“Having a look under the hood”
About this time in rediscovering who they are, many blokes have a good 3-6 month “look under the hood” with a psychologist. Psychology is really just studying patterns of human behaviour. So, amongst other personal things, the psychologist spots unhealthy or unhelpful relationship patterns that aren’t serving them (across work, family and relationships) and assists them to process old memories, thoughts, beliefs and unconscious behaviours lying at their root in an effort to adapt their relationship responses as an adult to be healthier.
But this does rely heavily on the psychologist spotting the patterns in only a handful of 50-minute appointments. While they might be good, spotting the patterns yourself can speed up the process, give you more value for money and get you quicker results. You can take the results from your real time observations back to the psychologist giving them more data to work with. Use them like an interpreter, “I’m seeing this, what’s going on?” Fact check, “are you seeing what I’m seeing?” By following this method, the psychologist can then give you clearer direction on strategies and language you can use to create boundaries or get your needs met.
But keep in mind, while it’s great to do the processing on the therapists couch, the real change and growth happens when you ‘walk out of the therapists office’ and learn to fully represent who you are in important relationships ‘outside’ of the therapy room.
#3 - Find friends and a deeper level of connection with other men
In the first half of life, men tend to have colleagues and friends through work. They “talk shop” and yarn about the footy. But it often stays at the surface. Now at 40+ they can find themselves alone, isolated or lonely, wanting a deeper level of connection with other men outside of work. They want to talk about the “real shit”—the urgent life events they’re going through—the losses, the deaths, the physical health problems, the redundancy, the parenting challenges, the mental health struggles, the divorce, the custody battle, the pain. They feel the need to be heard, understood, seen and “got” by other men. At the same time, they want to find other men who have already walked the path they’re now walking. Men “who’ve been there and done it.” These men: act like mentors or role models; inspire them; express values or ways of being they’d like to adopt; act as real life examples of what they could be; demonstrate ways of finding new meaning and purpose; pass back the map, steps and guidance to navigate through unknown territory; provide support and structure; and pull them forward into a new version of themselves.
Here’s how you find friends and a deeper level of connection with other men:
Here’s what I’ve noticed about how blokes organise catch-up’s. Firstly, they make the catch-up’s a priority, put in effort and take an active role in initiating the catch-up, and; second, they formally structure the catch-up’s ahead of time, create an appointment, set a date and lock them in the calendar for the week/month/year. Now we’ve laid the groundwork for how to organise the catch-ups, we can get into how you actually do it:
Deepen friendships: Identify the “surface” friends that you feel could open up with at a deeper level and say, “Hey, can we catch-up for a coffee? There’s something I need your help with.”
Find new friends: Identify a friend in the work environment that you enjoy their company and have something in common. Seek them out and develop a friendship outside of work, and get a new friendship started. Say, “Hey, why don’t we have a coffee sometime.”
Recontacting old friends: Blokes you’ve lost contact with. Text, email, phone call. “Hey, it’s been a long time…”
Arrange boys trips: Like surfing, camping, fishing, golfing, whatever it might be. Put it in the calendar every year—like every September we go to Darwin.
Create a social group: Like social tennis, social lunches or 5-a-side-footy. Give the social group a name. Create rosters. Invite other men along to the group.
Join a men’s group/circle: Like The Men Spirit. The thought about men’s groups is often “I’m not fucking going to a men’s group.” But these groups provide rules, guard rails and structure for men to feel safe to open up. I’ve developed great friendships with blokes from men’s groups.
Here’s a video from Peter Fritz (YouTube channel: Act Two) talking about why men over 50 feel lonely (and how to fix it).
Books on Identity: Rediscovering Who You Are
For a deep dive into rediscovering who you are, here are a few books you might find useful:
True To You: A Therapists Guide To Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself, is a useful read on spotting unhelpful patterns and being more yourself.
Nonviolent Communication: Life Changing Tools for Health Relationships, is a useful read on communicating your needs and getting your needs met. So many blokes find this book useful.
The New Manhood is a a timeless men’s classic. A “handbook for men” it offers up a no nonsense look at all aspects of being a man, including wearing a mask, fixing things with fathers, intimacy, masculinity, marriage and being a dad (what Biddulph calls a mask, Brene Brown calls armour).
Iron John: A Book About Men, provides a new vision of what a man can be based on a combination of psychology and mythology.
Man’s Search for Himself is an insight into a man’s existential questions he wrestles with.
Daring Greatly is one of Brene Browns best and offers men a strategy to remove the armour.
At the same time as 2) rediscovering who they are, they 3) get their health and stress under control.
3. Put Their Health First (and Reduce Stress)
As we laid out in the unlived life section, in the first half of a life, a man’s general objective is to climb the ladder and secure a job so that they can provide for their family and kids. But while this has upsides, it has a downside. Along the way, the obligation, constraints, pressure and responsibilities of the climb and being the provider takes it’s toll—stress, and to cope with the stress, they typically wind up reaching for the booze, fast food, smokes, vapes or drugs. Their health becomes de-prioritised—it comes in second.
In the first half of life, they can get away with a “she’ll be right mate” attitude. But now at 40+, it catches up with them. The urgent life event, the “health scares” or physical health problems hit them hard. In his video I Quit at 53, Wayne Phipps says the next bit best. What Wayne describes for himself is a familiar story for so many men. Wayne says, “I started drinking more—having a bottle of wine with every dinner. And not eating the best—eating McDonalds.” But it was the letter from his GP that said, “you’re now prediabetic” that the reality of Waynes health situation really hit home. Wayne realised, “I know that I hadn’t been treating myself right. That I’m treating myself badly.” Waynes lesson learned was that, “health isn’t optional. It’s foundational to have any kind of future to look forward to.”
For men in the same boat as Wayne was, they’re confronted with the fact that if they don’t look after their health, they may not live much longer. It’s a “wake up call” for them to do a u-turn, put their health first and reduce stress, and in doing so reverse the issues they’ve experienced.
Here are real life client stories for how you do it:
Here’s what I’ve noticed about how blokes start putting their health first. They: start small; slice change thin; scale things down and shrink goals to make them achievable; let go of performance and focus on presence; spend more time look after themselves; realise that “food is medicine”—they become what they eat; and implement a daily routine and structure that keeps them healthy. Here’s the blueprint for how they do it:
Playing social tennis every week
Get their bloods done every year
Getting a GP
Cut down on food portion size
Buying from the local farmers market
Starting to play water polo again
Get out for bush walks at the weekends
Dropping the booze out
Doing 10,000 steps per day
Walking the dog every morning
Get back to the gym every morning/evening
Here’s what I’ve noticed about how blokes start reducing stress. They establish and enforce boundaries to dial back work hours and they find their voice and learn to say “no” politely when necessary. Here’s the practical ways they do it:
Not connecting phone to work email
Not receiving or making calls after hours
Saying to their boss that they’re not available after 5pm (“that’s the time with my family”)
Working 2 days a week out of the office from a separate work space
Speaking up to management about offloading workload to other staff
Here’s a video from Peter Fritz (YouTube channel: Act Two) talking about addiction to stress, being productive and having a heart attack at 39. He also offers up tools and tips to reduce stress, like saying no and reducing obligation load.
Books on Health and Stress
For a deep dive into health, stress and building habits, here are a few books you might find useful:
Atomic Habits is the classic book for building good habits and breaking bad ones. It’s a simple read and easy to digest. Loads of blokes, from construction foreman to execs find this book useful.
The Health Habit is the health version of Atomic Habits. It focuses on sleep, movement and nutrition, then offers the “how to” to make the new health habits stick.
When The Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress, was a groundbreaking book to understand stress and it’s impacts on me. Mind blown! Here is a 1 hour talk by the author if you want to watch that instead of read the book.
Now they’ve started to 2) rediscover who they are and 3) get their health and stress under control, they can 4) find a new meaning and purpose.
4. New Meaning & Purpose
“One who possesses a sense of meaning, experiences life as having some purpose or function to be fulfilled.” -Existential Psychotherapy
Meaning and Purpose 101
Meaning
While everyone finds meaning in their life in their own unique ways, and there isn’t a right or wrong way, I notice that blokes tend to find meaning in their lives by leaving proof they existed in this life and extending themselves from this life into the future (immortality).
Leaving proof they existed in this life: They want other people to know that they were here, on this planet. That they existed. That they were real. They want to leave evidence behind to show and say that they lived. More specifically, they want to leave a tangible mark, craft, trace, impact, statement or work on the world or the course of human kind, as a permanent reminder they once lived and breathed. Generally, the bigger mark they make (measured by wealth, fame, success, contribution or social media followers) the more they feel their life and existence was important, significant, valuable and mattered. This dovetails in with the next one, as the mark they make may continue to exist after their physical death.
Extending themselves from this life into the future (immortality): In some manner, they want to be remembered, revered and “live on” forever in the mind of others after their physical self ceases to exist. A common way they do this is by creating a legacy that can live on forever. They want to leave a legacy or create “legacy projects”—to succeed beyond their passing—by: Living on through their kids; making charitable contributions; passing on estates; making creations that outlive them; handing down family heirlooms; putting their names on buildings, monuments and books; or being “immortalised” into the history books by their body of knowledge, life’s work, memory or contribution having a long lasting impact and influence on the course of history, flow of generations, the continuity of the human species or the world.
It’s these two things, making a mark and leaving a legacy, that tend to give men meaning in their lives.
Purpose
Then by having a meaning, they (or their life) have (has) a purpose, point, reason or function. Purpose is not a goal. Instead, it’s an attitude they take towards achieving the meaning. Here’s my example: I work part-time as a counsellor with kids. Being a counsellor gives me the belief that I will positively influence the kids lives and impact their future generations. In this way, I hope to live on through the kids (meaning). The meaning then gives me purpose—a reason to show up and work hard at being a good counsellor, so that I achieve the meaning.
Famous examples of how people 40+ construct meaning
Around Melbourne you will find the Ian Potter Centre art gallery at Fed Square, the Potter museum of art in Parkville and the Ian Potter music centre in Southbank. But who was Ian Potter? Ian Potter was a stockbroker. But who is going to remember a stockbroker?! So at age 60, he created the Ian Potter foundation and gave away his money to these organisations. He died in 1994, but his name will live on forever screwed securely to these buildings. Remembered, not as a stockbroker, but revered and idolised as a philanthropist and supporter of the community. The Tate Modern art gallery in London is named after ‘sugar’ magnate Henry Tate who donated the funds to start the gallery. The list goes on.
The moral of the story is this: After 40 we re-construct the mark we want to make and self-determine the legacy we leave behind.
Back to finding a new meaning and purpose
Success, money, title and status are societies metrics for a valuable, significant or important life. Men grow up conditioned to want these things, and the most efficient route to get them is their career. So, in the first half of life, men tend to get their meaning through their career—climbing the ladder, advancement, being productive, earning money and being successful, and in turn providing for their family, “doing it for their kids” and securing a respectable lifestyle. Aiming up the ladder gives them their purpose—they have a point to life, a function to be fulfilled and a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
But after the urgent life event, suddenly, societies things don’t provide meaning and purpose anymore. It all seems pointless. It is no longer crucial to climb another rung on the ladder, they lose interest in making money and give up concern with success. Now at 40+ they want to feel that their life has had sufficient value to themselves and the world. They want to do more, to be more, to contribute to a cause greater than themselves and give their life a meaning that will live after their death. They want to acquire a greater individuality, a firmer sense of who they are and what matters most to them. They do this by shifting their focus from ‘themselves’ to ‘others.’ In other words, they find a new meaning and purpose in using their knowledge, experience or skills not to enhance their own life but to positively impact the lives of ‘others’ and to improve the planet. I notice men find a new meaning and purpose in ‘6’ ways:
#1 - Work
Men find new meaning in leaving a legacy by doing work where they positively impact the lives of others. They do this by doing work where they: “Give back” to their community; contribute to society; advance human welfare; fight for a cause they believe in; right a wrong; stand up for something they care about; help people; create something for others that they didn’t have; pursue charitable interests; benefit human minds; support worthy humanitarian causes; and improve the quality of life for others. Often they’ll recycle their old skills and talents from their “big” careers in the first half of their lives and apply them in new ways to improve the lives of others. By doing this work, they: Can see a real, live physical impact from their work on other people; feel like they’re doing something very close to their hearts; feel like they’re making a difference; being of service to something greater than themselves; and what they do matters. This gives them a new purpose: They’re making a change happen; they feel useful; and feel appreciated in new ways.
Here are real life client stories for what men went from and to:
Flight attendant to working in a community library
Medical sales to volunteering at the CFA
Banking fraud to managing a butcher shop
Change management consultant to working at a fruit & veg market
Executive general manager of accounting in construction to CFO for a not-for-profit
Distribution manager to working at a surf shop
Corporate finance to aged care
My own journey: construction project management to counselling in a primary school
You may be questioning, how do people actually make this financially viable and make a living from it? But they do, with the tools and strategies in the time section. While that covers finances, my Phase 5 - Reinvention page lays out the more practical sequence of tasks required to make these types of career transitions.
#2 - Kids
Men find new meaning in leaving a legacy through their kids—generating a positive impact on the flow of their future generations. They do this by: Being an active and present father; showing an interest in what their kids are into; spending less time at work and more time with their kids; just being there for their kids; creating relationships rather than burying themselves in spreadsheets; cultivating rituals together; giving their kids experiences; making memories together; and being a male figure in their life more consistently.
The moments they gift their kids and the memories they make together will stay with them long after they’re gone and will transcend their lifetime. Like a ripple effect, the positive impact they have on their kids will flow through them and radiate out onto future generations, giving their life importance, value and significance. This gives them a new purpose: They have a clear role; are motivated to be a positive male role model; to instill good morals and values; demonstrate positive habits; they feel useful and needed; and it makes them want to be a better man.
Here are real life client stories for how you do it:
Doing the pick ups and drop offs from school, making lunchboxes and doing the kids sport
Turning the phone and laptop off when home and not taking after hours calls
Picking his son up after school every day and riding their bikes home
Walking his daughter to the bus stop every morning
Building a camper van and taking his kids on trips around Australia on school holidays
Camping or travelling together
Going on his son’s school camp
Games night
Banning technology for a night of the week. No screens, laptops, TV or phones. One bloke called it “NTT” (No Technology Tuesday).
Cooking and baking together
#3 - Creativity
Men find new meaning in making a mark and leaving a legacy by creating something than can live forever—in their name. As a man 40+ comes closer to his own death, his own “destruction”, it intensifies his wish for “creation.” In Seasons of a Man’s Life, a fantastic book about a man’s life cycle, author Daniel Levinson says, “the creative impulse is not merely to ‘make’ something. It is to bring something into being, to give birth, to generate life. A song, a painting, even a spoon or toy, if made in a spirit of creation, takes on an independent existence. In the mind of its creator, it has a being of its own and will enrich the lives of those who are engaged with it.”
Daniel is spot on. It is not just women who give birth. If you watch grand designs or any home renovation show, often you’ll see a middle aged man, his wife standing by having just birthed young kids, and him taking charge of ‘his’ project, physically “birthing his ‘own’ creation.” He doesn’t go into labour himself but he has his own labour. He’ll say, “It’s been a ‘labour’ of love.” The creative endeavour may extend into lineage and ancestry as they dedicate or honour their creation to a past or present loved one, “dad would be proud.” The creations say: They’ve stamped their mark; that they existed; that their creations are uniquely theirs, they can be identified as their work, and they are ‘known’ for something. In other words, their creations say, ”I was here.” This urge for creation gives them a new purpose: They feel like there is a clear point to their lives. They know what they’ve been put on this planet to do.
Here are real life client stories for how you do it:
Here’s what I’ve noticed about how blokes start something creative. They revisit the things that lit them up when they were younger, what they grew up doing with their parents, a family tradition or something they started but never finished. They engage with these things again, see if they resonate today like they did back then, and give themselves permission to restart and pursue those. They look at role models and test out and engage with the creative things they see their parents, colleagues or family members doing. They do a training course or workshop in something “they’ve always been interested in.” They may stumble across something by chance, love it and follow their interest from there. They create a project for themselves like renovating a house or restoring a car. Something with a goal, timeline and budget. Here are real life stories for how you do it:
Starting a landscaping, gardening or property development business
Writing a book or picking up the guitar
Doing a writing course
Creating a travel radio segment
Doing up and selling cars
Playing drums in an African band
Making wooden pepper grinders on a lathe
Writing articles on topics of interest
Grabbing cook books from the library and trying out new cooking and baking recipes
My own creativity: writing, visual storytelling and cooking
#4 - Mentoring, Coaching, Teaching or Speaking
Men find new meaning in leaving a legacy by “giving back” and sharing their life story, urgent life event story, story of overcoming adversity, knowledge, skills, lessons learned, expertise or experience to positively impact the lives of others. They do this through mentoring, coaching, teaching, training, lecturing, speaking or giving talks. In the first half of their life, its likely they: Had mentors or positive male role models who facilitated their advancement, taught valuable skills, provided guidance, explained life and passed back lessons learned; had sports coaches who instilled in them valuable, rules, skills and morals; teachers who believed in them; did training’s that added valuable new strings to their bow; or went to lectures or talks that powerfully changed their outlook on life.
Now at 40+ off the back of what these people and experiences meant to them, they package up their know-how, reverse the role and become a mentor, coach, teacher, trainer, lecturer or give talks to others. This gives them a new purpose: They feel like they’re making productive use of their knowledge, skills and experience; they feel useful, valuable, needed, of service; and gain the satisfaction from knowing that they’re making peoples lives better.
Here are real life client stories for how you do it:
Mentoring and up-skilling younger staff
Coaching kids soccer
Giving talks on mental health to primary schools
Giving talks on the lived experience of having cancer
Managing the ball kids at the Australian Open
Rowing coach
Teaching construction at university
Mentoring leading hands into foreman
My own mentoring: mentoring young people aged 10-22.
#5 - Religion
Men find new meaning through religion. At 40 + they may discover a new faith or dust off and reconnect with a previous religions upbringing. Religion gives them answers to existential questions, connects them to a divine plan and higher power and provides a framework for moral guidance and values that gives their life significance. They feel part of something larger than themselves and have a clear path for living, often centred around worship, and preparation for an afterlife. This gives them a new purpose: They gain a strong sense of community and social support; engage in rituals, prayer and service that guide their daily life; are of service to others; and in service to God.
#6 - Time In Nature
On the surface, it might not seem like spending time in nature provides meaning and purpose, but in fact, it does. Spending time in nature (inc. adventure, exploration and travel) provides new meaning by: Them seeing themselves as ‘part’ of nature; offering them a “bigger picture” perspective that they are part of evolution, part of the fabric of life, part of a larger whole; realising that just by the simple fact of existing they leave a mark on the world; strengthening their sense of identity by reconnecting them with land, country, ancestry or culture; expanding their view of humanity (and themselves) by exposing them to diverse cultures and countries; teaching them their place as part of the natural cycles of life (seasons, life, death); and getting in touch with the rhythms of nature connects and attunes them with their own internal natural rhythms.
The result, is that time spent in nature acts like a relief valve, bringing balance, centredness and a restorative effect. This gives them a new purpose: To fully, deliberately and intentionally engage with life and a sense of responsibility to look after, care for and protect nature, wildlife and the planet.
Here’s how you do it:
Notice the small, simple, day-to-day beautiful things and moments all around you. Wonder, be curious and marvel at the world. See the world like a kid again. Appreciate the gift of life itself. Have a basic appreciate for what you already have. Foster gratitude for just being alive—that you’re lucky to just exist. Live in the present moment. Gain satisfaction from the process of just living—from just being, rather than doing or having. Here’s the tool kit for how you do it:
Day-to-day: Start the day in nature—walk the dog, watch the sun rise and listen to the birds sing; just be in nature without goals, an agenda or distractions; watch the leaves fall from the trees in autumn, smell the flowers on the street, smell freshly mowed grass; or lie on the grass and look up at the sky.
Trips in nature: Go for a bush walk; go fishing, camping, 4WD’ing or mountain climbing; or go for a swim in the ocean, a lake or river.
Growing: Grow herbs, plants or crops; raise animals; or gardening.
Travel: Head away on a trek; book a safari; or walk a famous trail, wall or pilgrimage. I notice many people in midlife walk the Camino de Santiago, in Spain.
Work: Wildlife conservation; reef restoration; or planting trees.
Books on Meaning & Purpose
For a deep dive into meaning and purpose (which dip into identity too), here are a few books you might find useful:
Finding Meaning in The Second Half of Life, does what it ways on the tin. It offers ways men can grow, evolve and fully become themselves in the second half of life.
Passages in Men’s Lives examines the issues facing men at midlife and lays out a map for how men can reinvent themselves in the second half of life.
The Seasons of a Man’s Life, lays out the study of 40 men and from that builds a model of a mans life cycle.
Second Act Careers offers 50 ways men can profit from their passions in their “second act.”
Transitions, is a timeless classic providing a road map to navigate change.
The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning at Midlife, is a concise guide for men to redefine themselves and re-orientate in midlife.
The War of Art is a straight shooter, no-nonsense look at the creative process.
The Feedback Loop: The Impact of a New Meaning & Purpose on Identity
The new meaning and purpose acts like a vehicle to better understand themselves, rediscover who they are and reinvent who they want to be in the future. Whether it be writing, painting, starting a business, working for a not-for-profit, picking their kids up every day after school, teaching or growing plants, the new meaning and purpose: Is an expression of their voice; is a form of communication; locates where they are in the world; tells them how they’re functioning; is a reflection and expression of who they are—what they value, believe in, care about and stand up for; and is a tool to learn about themselves every time they do, make, write or create something.
By concretely expressing themselves into the world, they get clearer on who they are (and just as important, who they are not). Many creatives describe the act of creativity as therapeutic. But in reverse, the clearer they are in who they are, the more confident they can be they are pursuing the “right” meaning and purpose. It’s like a feedback loop: meaning and purpose influences identity; and identity influences meaning and purpose.
5. Learn New Skills
In the first half of life, men typically learn new skills to be better at their job. Often, they grow professionally, but ‘personal’ growth lags behind. Now at 40+, a by-product of 1) controlling their time, 2) rediscovering who they are, 3) putting their health first and 4) finding a new meaning and purpose is 5) learning new skills, in what “they’re interested in.”
Learning new skills isn’t something they necessarily set out wanting. It just happens naturally and organically as part of the process. But it plays a crucial role. Along the way, they build new habits, hone skills and develop tools. As a result, they can see themselves improve, develop, expand and get better. This translates into concrete signs of ‘personal’ progress, forward movement and growth. They can see the positive work happening, which builds a sense of confidence and capability, and motivates them to keep going. This satisfies a fundamental human need for them to evolve and fulfil their potential.
The Urgent Life Event as Both Crisis and Opportunity
So that wraps up the 5 things. Now we’ve come to the end of the 5 things, we can look back at the urgent life event from a different vantage point and see that it was both a crisis and an ‘opportunity.’ It catalysed them into a new journey of growth. Without the urgent life event, they’d most likely never have been motivated to take a new path. At this point, men will often say they’re grateful the urgent life event happened to them—”It was the wake up call I needed.”
In New Manhood, a fantastic book providing a handbook for men, author Steve Biddulph says, “Nothing sets us up for problems quite as much as the idea that life is an upward journey. We are taught to expect constant improvement, so it’s easy to feel terrible failure, when setbacks occur, in career, health, family or finances. The older traditions take a different view. They teach that, in an authentic man’s life, we need to be defeated by greater and greater forces, because we are trying to do greater and greater things. Psychologists working with men have noticed that having things go badly, while hardly something to say Whoppie! about, often means that you are about to break through to a new level. There is something in a mans psyche that means suffering is the greatest teacher, that only through crisis do we really grow.”
I think Steve’s right!
Leading a Fulfilling Life
Let’s take a look around and see who’s doing the 5 things. If you look at blokes who lead fulfilling and rewarding lives after 40, you’ll notice a common pattern. They do a combination of the 5 things. Now I’ve laid them out, do people come to mind who do these things?
You’ll notice they build their life structure around: 1) Time: Earning enough to live simply, modestly and freely. 2) Identity: They’re comfortable with who they are and have friends that support and uplift them. 3) Health: They have a daily routine, structure, habits and practices that keep them healthy. 4) Meaning and purpose: They engage in a variety of the meaning and purposeful pursuits that make them feel alive. They volunteer or help out in a community club or organisation or work in something that improves human lives. They create rituals, experiences and memories with their kids and do the day-to-day important stuff like making lunchboxes or picking them up after school. They engage in creative pursuits, build things or make products that enrich the lives of others. They teach, lecture, give talks, speak, mentor or guide others in some way. They have fostered a spiritual outlook. They live surrounded by nature or spend time in nature and explore and travel. 5) Growth: All of this means they continuously learn new skills, grow and evolve, and day-by-day uncover and live out the unlived life within them.
This may be a generalised, idyllic, perfect world or “fairy tale” view. Not all items are required for everyone and the allocation across the items will move and change with life. But it makes sense, doesn’t it? It gives us something to aim for.
Bringing This Back to Your Life
To bring this to a close and tie this back to your life, here are some questions for you:
Have you unwittingly discounted aspects of these 5 things which you already have?
What can you identify or acknowledge you already have or are already doing and can you reshape your view of what they mean to you?
Have these things reminded you of how much positive work and growth is already happening in your life?
Which aspects are you missing from your life, what do you want more of and what deliberate action could you take today to begin to move towards those things?
A “Labour of Love”
This blog has been my own “labour of love.”
It’s took me 6 years of working with men to be able to identify the common patterns and themes in men’s lives, extract from that the 5 standout things men 40+ want in life and 8 weeks to pull that together, draft and write this blog. I expected writing this blog to be a mechanical process of translating patterns to text. But the truth is, it’s changed me. Just through the act of writing this blog, I’ve got clearer on ‘why’ these 5 things are important—to me, to men, to humans, to the world—which has made me do them more. I’ve found myself spontaneously heading out for an evening swim in the bay, meandering through one of Melbourne’s many gardens, smiling when the morning sun hits my face, getting absorbed in writing and just feeling more grateful for a slower pace of living and for being alive.
It’s enriched my life.
I hope in some way it has enriched yours.
