A Man’s Life Cycle
Ever wondered why most of your mates seemed to;
Buy a house at roughly the same age?
Get married at roughly the same age?
Have kids at roughly the same age?
Or even have marital problems, separate or get divorced at roughly the same age?
If you spotted these patterns, you’re not “seeing things”; you’re actually onto something.
It turns out there’s more to these patterns than meets the eye.
Discovering a Man’s Life Cycle
In the early 70’s, a psychologist, Daniel Levinson, did a study to examine if a man’s life followed a typical life cycle. He interviewed 40 men between the ages of 35-45 and then did follow up interviews over the next 5 years. He also interviewed their wives or partners to get an additional perspective on each man.
What he identified was that even though the men came from different occupational, or cultural backgrounds, across all the men’s stories their lives did in fact follow a standard sequence of “patterns.” They did the same things at roughly the same age. From this he was able to build a typical model of a man’s life cycle. The model’s primary focus is on the age range 17-50. He published his work in 1978, in a book called The Seasons of a Man’s Life. It’s the only book of its kind that maps a man’s life cycle.
Daniel had personal reasons for the study. Daniel, then 46 at the time of the study said, “Over the last 10 years my life had changed in cruical ways; I had ‘developed’ in ways I could not articulate. I wanted to do the study in order to understand what I had been going through myself.”
Is the Model Out of Date?
While the interviews were done in the 70’s and the book published in 78’, it’s easy to assume the life cycle model is out of date. But the accuracy that the life cycle model matched my life and that of the men I work with today was spot on. Apart from some of the stronger stereotypical roles a husband or wife might take on in the 70’s, and today we seem to get married and have kids later, the model was identical to what men experience today.
This Blog is a Summary of a Man’s Life Cycle
Understanding a man’s life cycle was useful for me, so I thought it would be useful to other men. But instead of them laboring through a 350 page book, which took me 20 hours to read, I thought I’d summarize it to a 35-minute read. It’s summarized into two parts: First, how a man structures his life, together with the constraints and opportunities in that structure; and second, how he modifies that structure over his life cycle.
Options for Reading this Blog
But if the thought of a 35-minute read just filled you with dread, then don’t worry, I’ve “summarized the summary” to a 3-minute read. After the 3-minute read, you then have a couple of options:
Option 1: The 3-minute version may “wet your appetite” which may spark your interest and curiosity into wanting to read the whole thing. Reading it from start to finish will give you the complete understanding of the concepts and help you make sense of your life.
Option 2: Or you can scroll down to your current age in the life cycle and understand what happens at that age.
But there is a caveat I want to make about not measuring yourself against the model.
Not Measuring Yourself Against The Model
While it’s tempting to measure yourself against the model—to see if you’re earlier or later, or if you missed that step or you’re running behind—the blog is a ‘typical’ man’s life cycle. ‘Typical’ is the key word. Every man’s life is unique and none will perfectly ‘match’ the model. Rather I’d like you to think of the model as just providing ‘information’ that shows that men’s lives pass through a series of common developmental patterns and this is normal. Every guy goes through them and none will do it the same way. So when reading, my hope is that you don’t judge yourself but instead just say to yourself, “that makes a lot of sense.”
With that being said, here we go with the 3-minute version.
The 3-minute Version of a Man’s Life Cycle
From age 17-22 a man leaves his parents behind and seeks to “make his own way” in life. He has a “dream” of the kind of life he wants to lead as an adult. The “dream” has the quality of an imagined possibility, goal or vision of him as an adult living the “good life.” It may contain concrete images of a key event, which in his mind symbolize “making it” and “success” like becoming a CEO, becoming #1, winning a trophy, being the best or working for a top tier company. This event carries the ultimate message of his affirmation and recognition by society. Having the dream gives his life an aim, purpose and direction. His career is the primary vehicle used to realize his dream.
From age 22-28, he sets to work on building an initial life structure around his dream. He finds a career in which he can “climb the ladder”, finds a wife or partner and mentors who’ll support him to realize his dream, finds a house or home base in a community and maybe has some kids. By age 28-33 the initial structure may need some work and he makes changes before things get “more serious” in his 30’s.
From 33-40, a man enters a “settling down” period. He seeks to establish a niche in society, deepen his roots and anchor his life as a valued member of society. If he hasn’t got married/partnered, found a home base in a community or had kids, he will likely do that in the settling down period. This gives him a stabilized structure. His next task involves advancement in that structure; getting to the top rung on the ladder, becoming “One’s Own Man” and realizing his dream.
But between 40-45, the wind is abruptly taken out of his sails: Firstly, “health scares” and the loss of others confront him with his ‘own’ mortality and death; second, the culminating key event set forth in the dream that symbolized “making” and “success” is often experienced as a failure or the outcome is well below his fondest hopes. He feels “deflated” and “wounded” and is confronted with the limitations of success and the great costs involved in pursuing it. The combination of these two events strips him of purpose, meaning and direction. Suddenly there is nothing to strive for. He may feel aimless, lost, trapped or stuck.
This situation is where he may “hit rock bottom” and becomes the catalyst for the midlife transition in which he “questions” what he’s done with his life so far and seeks a new way forward. Some call this transition “the midlife crisis” but in reality, it’s a normal and necessary step in a man’s developmental process. While it involves struggle and challenge, it is temporary, and it will gradually pass. While some men “weather the storm” themselves, others may seek external guidance to navigate the transition. But every man will in some way, shape or form pass through this gate. Unfortunately, though he would like to, he can’t escape it.
But there is good news—light at the end of the tunnel. A man can no longer give so much energy to reappraising the past. It is time to begin a new period and take a step forward. The reappraisal of his life leads to surprising upsides. He now has the desire to use his remaining time more wisely and the failure of the dream gives him freedom. When he no longer feels that he is attached to his dream, he is more “free to be himself” and to work according to his own wishes and talents. Both these things culminate in a “turning point” where instead of enhancing his own life, he now seeks to positively influence the lives of others. He gives up interest in climbing the ladder, “making it” and striving for success, and instead finds new purpose, meaning and direction in expressing more of himself through contributing to society and leaving a legacy.
As a result, his life structure between 45-60 takes a dramatic shift in priorities. The structure until age 40 was built prioritizing his career. But gaining freedom from the dream and establishing his legacy around social contribution, the #1 priority has shifted from his career and instead it’s now in his family; being a present husband/partner and being an active father. He now gives less time to his work and more time to his wife/partner and kids.
His career, now taking a back seat, is significantly modified. He accepts himself as a middle-aged man of considerable achievement and experience but with serious shortcomings. He finds smaller jobs he can do, rather than overreaching himself. He’s ready to settle for a good deal less than the dream—a job with a stable income that will give his family a settled life. He now feels privileged if he can just do work he enjoys that also makes a modest social contribution. He places less value on possessions, recognition, social approval and success, and move value on just living in the present. He now gains more satisfaction from the process of just living—from being, rather than doing or having.
Curious to get into more detail? Read on.
The 35-minute Version of a Man’s Life Cycle
Part 1: The Structure of a Man’s Life
Here is a simple metaphor that introduces the concepts in the book.
All men build the structure of their lives with the same primary components. The primary components of a house; the foundations, walls and roof are like the primary components of a man’s life. These primary components are what holds up the structure of a man’s life.
While some men are hasty to choose their components and get to work on putting them in place right away, others take their time and wait for the right component to come along. Some might even test out components before making firm commitments. While doing this, naturally some components are prioritized and others deprioritized.
But a man’s aim is to build a structure that works; it might not be perfect but “he can live with it.” It is ‘satisfactory’ to himself and pleasing to others. He moves into the structure.
But a few years down the line, things have changed in his circumstances. Not always through any fault of his own; he’s just got older, he’s developed in new ways, he wants or needs different things and others require different things of him. The structure, which worked in the past, is now still pleasing to others but not to himself. So he needs to modify the existing structure to suit his new circumstances.
He does this by carefully appraising the structure. Then he gets to work on dismantling or adapting the structure; some components are upgraded, some swapped out, some fine tuned. The result is that he now has a new structure which is more satisfactory to himself ‘and’ pleasing to others.
But a few years down the line, things have changed again in his circumstances and the structure needs modifying. And the sequence repeats.
The Alternating Sequence
This is a man’s life; an alternating sequence of structure-building and transitioning (structure-changing) as a man develops across his life cycle.
Structure Building: A man makes certain key choices around primary components, commits himself to form a structure around them and pursues his goals within this structure.
Transition: is where he questions and reappraises the existing structure, explores various possibilities for change, and moves toward commitment of the crucial choices that modify the existing structure and form the basis of a new structure. A transition is a zone, between two states of stability, therefore, it’s normal for him to feel instability in transition. All transitions involve a three part process: 1) loss, letting go or giving up of the old structure; 2) an unstable, uncertain time in the middle, before; 3) a new structure begins.
The Primary Components of the Structure
There are three primary components plus one optional primary component that form a man’s life structure:
1) Job/Work/Career
A man’s work is the primary base for his life in society. Through it he is “plugged into” an occupational structure and a cultural, class and social matrix. His career exerts a powerful influence upon the options available to him, the choices he makes among them, and his possibilities for advancement. His career is often the primary medium in which a young man’s dreams for the future are defined, and the vehicle he uses to pursue those dreams.
2) Marriage/Partner
A man typically wants to marry or have a long term partner and make this relationship a primary component of his life structure.
3) House or a Home Base
This house or home base is the center on which he establishes his place in the community together with friends, parents and extended family.
Optional: kids
Kids with partner/wife/husband.
Secondary Components
Friends, religion and leisure are secondary components. But the book only covers structure related to the three primary components plus one optional primary component.
Choices Build the Structure
The structure is built upon the choices a man makes around the three primary components plus one optional primary component. These primary component choices strongly influence the choices made in other aspects of life.
Self vs Society
But there is another factor that comes into play. A man is an individual that lives within a society. He cannot be isolated or separated from the society in which he lives. Therefore, the primary aim for how a man puts the components together is that the structure needs to be suitable for himself and viable in society. He needs to live out his important aspects of the self but also receive sufficient rewards from society for doing so. In other words, within the structure he is always trying to balance self and society.
Self (which includes the inner or internal world of a man) includes; wishes, dreams, goals, aims, wants, needs, talents, skills, character traits, feelings and thoughts.
Society (which includes the external or outer world or “others”) includes; class, religion, wife/husband/partner, ethnicity, family, parents, political system, economy, work and community. The society in which a man lives provides the environment, resources and constraints out of which a man fashions his own life structure. It influences a man’s choices making some more attractive and highly rewarded than others. It also provides his sense of affirmation and recognition.
There’s No “Perfect” Structure
All men are juggling the conflicting demands of each component. Time prioritized on one component, means time deprioritized on others. If he prioritizes career advancement, he risks the stability of the family (marriage-partner/kids). On the self-society front, some men form a life structure that that is reasonably viable in society but poorly connected to the self. They perform their social roles and do their bit for themselves and others, but their lives are lacking in inner excitement. Opposing tensions always exist between striving and giving up; between going after and being given to; between conforming and speaking your own voice; between preserving the status quo and changing it; between taking responsibility and being helped by others through life’s difficulties; between ambition and settling for a modest life; between breaking out of the structure and staying put and enduring it. So no man can succeed in creating the “perfect” structure.
The Catalyst for Change (From Structure to Transition)
The self has an inbuilt mechanism that is continually growing and seeking expression. This mechanism is called ‘The Actualizing Tendency.’ Humans, like all living organisms, are motivated by an overarching tendency, or drive that pushes us toward development, growth and fulfillment of our potential. Just like we physically grow, the internal self psychologically grows. As a species this is what leads us to innovate. It enables me to type on this laptop. If we didn’t have this tendency we’d still be using stone tools. Here’s how this internal growth mechanism causes external changes in life structure.
Building a ‘Satisfactory’ Structure
A man can’t just do 100% what he wants. He must compromise what he wants in order to look after others and fit into society. In other words, his life structure has pro’s, con’s, gains, costs or tradeoffs. So, within the structure some important aspects of the self can be lived out and others aspects of the self need to be neglected. But he makes peace with this and for a while his structure works; it isn’t perfect and yes it has flaws but it’s satisfactory—“he can live with it.”
The Structure Becomes Restrictive
Over the years though the self keeps growing. He notices the growing self by his changing value set. He wants to grow in alignment with his new values but the structure that was once suitable to the self now restricts the self from growing. The structure requires him to be someone he can no longer accept. He can’t tolerate the current structure. It prevents him from becoming what he truly wants to be. He feels trapped.
Changing the Structure
But his neglected aspects of self are urgently seek growth and expression. So, he makes critical internal choices that force him into a transition whereby he can make modifications in his external life structure and build a new life structure that is more suitable to his growing self. In short, there is no single event that causes the change, rather the catalyst for the change is that the external structure needs modification to suit the growing self.
Part 2: A Man’s Life Cycle
A man’s life cycle evolves through an alternating sequence of structure building and transition (structure changing) periods. Ages specified are give or take 2-3 years.
Transition: Early adult transition age 17-22
Structure: Entering the adult world age 22-28
Transition: Age 30 transition age 28-33
Structure: Settling down age 33-40
Transition: Midlife transition age 40-45 aka “The Midlife Crisis”
Structure: Entering middle adulthood age 45-60
Subsequent periods in late adulthood age 60+
These periods occur in a fixed sequence. As long as a man continues to develop, he will traverse the periods in the order given. He cannot go from period three to period five without going through period four. There are no shortcuts or alternate routes. He can navigate a period in a myriad of ways, but he cannot avoid it.
Transition: Early Adult Transition age 17-22
In this transition, the ‘boy-man’ is on the boundary between childhood, centered in his family of origin and the adult world, with new responsibilities, roles and life choices. He must leave behind his parents and family of origin, together with their aspirations for him, and move toward a future of his own making.
This transition involves two main tasks:
Separation from the family of origin: This may involve moving out of the family home, becoming financially less dependent, and entering into a new roles and living arrangements in which he’s more responsible and independent.
Make a preliminary step into the adult world: This may involve college, university or an apprenticeship. The impact of study or preliminary work expands and redirects the young man’s outlook and he begins to seek “his own way” in life. This task may produce some conflict as the young man enters a new world that his parents find alien or don’t agree with.
Structure: Entering the Adult World age 22-28
The transition is followed by a more stable period where a new life structure must be built. A man at this stage wants structure, and he has social pressures to “grow up,” get married, enter into a career, define his goals and lead a more organized life. But he doesn’t know what any of that looks like or how to do it. It’s his first go at it. So he needs to test out provisional choices that form an initial life structure.
This involves two main tasks:
Exploration: of options and testing out provisional choices before making firm commitments. If these choices don’t work out, change is still possible.
Creating a stable structure: By the end of the 20’s a man has explored the possibilities of adult life and fashioned a first, initial life structure and begins to “make something of his life.”
This structure is based on choices around the three primary components and the one optional primary component:
1) Job/Work/Career
The image of “climbing the ladder” is central to a man’s career. It reflects his interest in advancement, recognition, “getting ahead” and proving he can do things. In this period, he is on the bottom rung of his ladder as a junior member. His aims are to advance in his enterprise, to “climb the ladder” and become a senior member. His sense of well-being during this period depends strongly on his own and others’ evaluation on his progress toward these goals. Between the ages of 22-28 he may “climb the ladder” towards leadership or managerial ranks.
2) Marriage/Partner
He may develop relationships that lead to marriage or partnering. In husband-wife relationships the wife may take on the role of the more traditional woman; primarily involved in her role as wife and mother, the dream for her is to have a certain kind of family and community life. Her identity is largely fashioned on and appended to her husbands. She helps him to support his career aspirations and realize his ‘dream,’ (clarified below) unless it preoccupies him too much and pulls him too far from his marriage and kids. His ‘dream’ thus serves as a vehicle for defining and pursuing her interests.
3) House or a Home Base
Finds a home base as a bachelor or married man in a community.
Optional - Kids
Possibly have kids with the initial partner/wife/husband.
Challenges During Entering the Adult World
For most men the life structure in their 20’s is incomplete or fragmented and direction of life is uncertain. Very few young men build that initial structure without considerable difficulty or occasional crisis. In fact, the interviews found that 70 percent of the men experienced a critical event or crisis between the ages of 22-28 that drastically changed their life structure.
Transition: Age 30 Transition age 28-33
The provisional exploratory quality of the 20’s is ending and a man has a sense of greater urgency. Life is becoming more “serious” more “for real.” This transition gives him the chance to change things before “it’s too late.” It gives him a “second chance” to do the modifications and make the critical choices that will provide the basis for a more satisfactory life structure in the settling down period (age 33-40).
Other Tasks Between ages 17-33
The three periods so far have each had their own tasks, which have to do with building or modifying the life structure. In addition, there are other tasks to be completed between 17-33 which are essential to the process of entry into adulthood:
Forming a ‘Dream’ and Giving it a Place in the Life Structure
Many young men have a “dream” of the kind of life they want to lead as adults. The “dream” has the quality of an imagined possibility, goal or vision of him as an adult living the “good life.” It may contain concrete images of a key event which in his mind symbolize “making it” and “success” (like becoming the CEO, becoming #1, the best, or having a novel published) and represents the culmination of years of striving. This event carries the ultimate message of his affirmation and recognition by society. Having the dream gives his life an aim, purpose and direction. Whatever the nature of the “dream” a young man has the task of giving it greater definition, working towards it and finding ways to live it out. For most men their career is the vehicle they use to realize their dream.
The Mentor Relationship
The mentor is one of the most developmentally important relationships a man can have in early adulthood. The mentor is often a boss or senior colleague in the work setting, is usually older by 8-15 years and is commonly male. The mentor facilitates the young man’s advancement and acts as a person that he can look up to, admire and seek to emulate. The mentor also has another crucial role: to support, “believe in him” and facilitate the realization of the dream. The mentor relationship lasts two or three years on the average, eight to ten at most. It may end when one man, moves changes jobs or dies. Most often, however, a mentor relationship ends with strong conflict and bad feelings on both sides.
Structure: Settling Down age 33-40
In the settling down period between the ages of 33-40, a man seeks to invest himself in the three primary components and the one optional primary component of his life structure and to fulfill his youthful aspirations, goals and realize his dream.
This involves two main tasks:
To establish a niche in society: A man needs a sufficiently ordered, stable life. It is time to deepen his roots, to anchor his life more firmly in family (wife and kids-primary component 2 and 3) and community. He takes great pride in who he is, getting a bigger and better home to support the growth of the family (primary component 4), developing competence in a chosen craft (primary component 1), belonging and being a valued member of society.
To work at advancement: The first task contributes to the stability and order of a defined structure, the second task involves advancement within that structure. He works at “making it” striving to advance, to progress on a timetable. The term “making it” or “making his mark” involves all efforts to build a better life for himself, and to be affirmed and recognized by society. He doesn’t just advance in his career by “climbing the ladder”, “climbing the ladder” now represents all aspects of advancement—increase in social rank, income, wealth, power, fame, recognition, creativity, quality of family life and social contribution.
A man’s job/work/career (primary component 1) is the prioritized vehicle used to achieve the two tasks of settling down.
Completing the Components
If he didn’t get married/partner (primary component 2), secure a home base in a community (primary component 3) or optional: have kids, he will complete those tasks in the settling down period.
Early Settling Down age 30-36
1) Job/Work/Career:
Up until now a man has devoted himself to establishing a solid position on his “career ladder.” The more he accomplished in his 20’s and early 30’s the higher level which he starts this period. Often a man begins this period in middle management and hopes to reach the top of his division or corporation.
Becoming “One’s Own Man” age 36-40
Becoming one’s own man is to accomplish the tasks of the settling down period, to be more fully one’s own person, to be more true to himself, to be less subject to the control of others, to become a senior member in his world, to advance to the top rung on his ladder, to speak more strongly with his own voice, to be heard and respected, and to have a greater measure of authority over his world.
1) Job/Work/Career
Organizations in the age period of 36-40 are frequently restrictive. There are only a handful of spots up for grabs at the top of the ladder. He may place his career in jeopardy if he is too eager to advance and comes into contact with senior men who have their territories to maintain and protect. It is generally safer to avoid conflict, conform and be a loyal member of the “team”—and not speak up too loudly. At this level he receives a double message: “Be a good boy and you’ll go far,” together with “make trouble and you’re out.” He may find out during this period that institutions are exploitative and corrupt.
Challenges During Settling Down
This is a difficult period for him: On the one hand, he wants to be his own man, to speak his own voice (self), but on the other hand, he also desperately wants to be appreciated, to have his talents affirmed and to be respected by others (society). With a man’s goal being advancement, he has to wrestle, cajole and at times aggressively adjust the components of his structure in order to achieve his aims. He has inner conflicts and critical choices to make. In some cases, a man having “made his bed” (marital, career, kids, house) cannot continue to lie in it. Yet to change is to tear the fabric of his life, to destroy much that he has built over the last 10-15 years.
Other Tasks of the Settling Down Period (Between ages 33-40)
The other tasks identified previously continue to develop in this period.
The ‘Dream’ Has Flaws
In the dream, the strivings for advancement and success are based part in reality and part in illusion. The illusory part is this: “If I get to the top of my ladder, I will have everything I ever wanted and live happily ever after.” In the late settling down period a man starts to piece together that his dream is only loosely connected to reality. He realizes that he’s doing well in an external sense, but he’s gaining rewards that have little or no meaning or value for him. There’s the external success for him but an inner despair. He begins to see the limitations of success and the great costs involved in pursuing it. The possibility of realizing the dream begins to wane.
The Mentor Relationships Come to an End
A man in his late thirties is outgrowing the need for a mentor. The mentor relationship has served its purpose. It has helped him to advance. Men rarely have mentors after 40. The mentor relationship is surrendered, as part of becoming one’s own man. One result is a greater ability and interest in being a mentor to others.
Transition: Midlife Transition age 40-45 aka “The Midlife Crisis”
In the midlife transition, a man must come to terms with the past and prepare for the future. He questions his life so far and seeks a new way forward. The midlife transition typically lasts about 5 years and occurs somewhere between ages 38 and 47. Some call this transition “the midlife crisis” but in reality it’s a normal and necessary step in a man’s developmental process. While it involves struggle and challenge, it is temporary, and it will gradually pass. Every man must in some way, shape or form pass through this gate. Unfortunately, though he would like to, he can’t escape it.
This transition involves two main tasks: 1) Reappraising the past, which in turn leads to; 2) modification of his life structure in accordance with the reappraisal.
1) Reappraising The Past
Here’s a direct quote from the book which sums up the reappraisal process.
“A profound reappraisal of this kind cannot be a cool, intellectual process. It must involve emotional turmoil, despair, the sense of not knowing where to turn or of being stagnant and unable to move at all. A man in this state often makes false starts. He tentatively tests a variety of new choices, not only out of confusion or impulsiveness but, equally, out of a need to explore, to see what’s possible, to find out how it feels to engage in a particular love relationship, occupation or solitary pursuit. Every genuine reappraisal must be agonizing, because it challenges the illusions and vested interests on which the existing structure is based.”
De-illusionment
For the majority of men this is a period of great struggle within the self and with the external world. As he attempts to reappraise his life, a man discovers how much of it has been based on illusions, and he is faced with the task of de-illusionment; a recognition that long held assumptions and beliefs about self and world are not true.
Mortality, Meaning and Legacy
A man’s aches, pains, “getting old,” health scares or serious illnesses, and the loss of others, confront him with his own mortality and death. He questions the meaning of his life. He asks himself: What have I done with my life? At this point he may think to himself, “I’m replaceable at my company. I will be missed by no one but my family.” This leads to a turning point where he now has a desire to use his remaining time more wisely. It is no longer crucial to climb another rung on the ladder or to strive for success.
In the remaining years he wants to do more, to be more, to contribute, to give his life a meaning that will live after his death. He wants to leave a trace, however small, on the course of human kind. The meaning of his life is now linked to his claim for immortality through the legacy he will leave behind. He comes to grasp more clearly the “bigger picture” of his legacy lies with the flow of generations and the continuity of the human species. Men in midlife leave their legacy through their kids, their material possessions (houses, estates, businesses) but primarily through their work. They now seek to pursue work and a career that: influences others; advances human welfare; contributes more fully to the coming generations in society; directly benefits human minds and souls; helps worthy humanitarian causes; and improves the quality of life for others. This may lead a man changing careers towards health, education or welfare.
Adapting to Aging
The internal messages from his own body, tell him to make accommodations or major changes in his mode of living.
Creativity
The sense of his own mortality, his own destruction, intensifies a man’s wish for creation. He has a strong desire to become more creative: to create products that have value to himself and enrich the lives of others.
Responsibility
It is necessary that a man recognize and take responsibility for his own choices and actions he has made in his life and that at times he has acted in ways that have harmed or hurt others.
Masculinity
As a young man, he makes his way in the world living in accordance with the images, motives and values that ‘society’ deems masculine. He often rejects the more ‘feminine’ (loving, caring, feeling) aspects of himself. The image he has of masculinity involves:
Bodily toughness: stamina, performance, sexual virility, endurance, athletic prowess, to perform gruelling work “without complaining, quitting or giving up” and to prove himself as a man in combat or sport.
Achievement and ambition: success in work, rivalry, competition and getting ahead.
Power and weakness: control over others, being recognized as strong willed and a leader who “gets things done.”
Thinking over feeling: Men are supposed to be logical and rational, women, emotional and intuitive. A man can only allow himself a narrow range of “manly” feelings.
Masculinity, as defined by society, is concerned with thinking, performance, power, competition and achievement. A man is supposed to get out there and “do something”; perform, accomplish, produce, bring home the bacon and establish a “manly” position in the world. But in midlife he questions all this. He questions his sense of who he is as a ‘man’ and reconciles his image of masculinity versus who he is. He also comes to engage with and give life to the earlier rejected feminine (loving, caring, feeling) aspects of himself.
Turning Inward
A man, in the first half of his life, has typically had a heavy involvement with the external world (society) and had to neglect important aspects of his internal world (self). His self-society scale is tipped towards society and is heavily out of balance. During his 20’s and 30’s, he was focused on doing his bit for the tribe. He got married, bought a house, maybe had kids and had to accept a series of increasing responsibilities, obligations and constraints: he must put food on the table, pay the mortgage and keep a roof over their heads. He finds he only has limited control over his work and life.
But now these neglected inner aspects of self are urgently seeking expression. A man experiences them as “internal voices.” Internal voices that have been muted for years now clamor to be heard. These voices take the form of: lost opportunities; a love lost or not pursued; a relationship given up or possibilities set aside earlier; regrets of choices made; or turning points where his life took a certain trajectory.
He must turn inward and engage with himself and these “internal voices.” He must learn to listen to these voices, decide what part he will now give them in his life and begin to prioritize his inner world (self). His aim in the midlife transition is to find a better balance between the needs of the self and the needs of society. He wants to be able to do work he enjoys (self) but also to make a modest social contribution (society).
He becomes less interested in obtaining the rewards offered by society, and more interested in utilizing his own inner resources (self). He continues to be actively engaged in the realities of the external world, but he seeks a new balance in which the self has greater primacy. He places less value on possessions, recognition, social approval and success, and move value on living in the present. He now gains more satisfaction from the process of just living—from being, rather than doing or having.
2) Modifying the Life Structure
Although he is not ready to start building a new life structure he can begin to modify the negative elements of the present structure and test new choices. He may need several years to form a new path or to modify the old one.
1) Job/Work/Career
He may remain stuck for several years in a painful work situation, stewing in his job—feeling humiliated, knowing he has no future there, doing work of no importance to himself or to the company—until finally though some combination of inner readiness and external pressure, he is able to leave.
2) Marriage/Partner
Midlife is a time where the marriage/partnership is appraised and modifications made. This typically happens in two main ways: addressing flaws in the marriage and the wife’s changing role.
A man may consider marital problems previously ignored or dimly acknowledged. He may recognize that the marriage was flawed from the start. He may have remained in the marriage out of attachment to family life, children and tradition, and because it was “the right thing to do.” During midlife he may become acutely dissatisfied with the marriage. He may look at himself and ask: How did I contribute to marital difficulties? This may lead to modification of the marriage or divorce.
In husband-wife relationships the, the wife now in her late 30’s or 40’s, has a sense of freedom from family responsibilities. Her husband and children need her less, and she seeks to expand her own horizons, start new enterprises outside the home and forms a more distinctive identity of her own. She becomes the voice of development and change in the marriage. The man may be threatened by the change and become the voice of the status quo. The husband and wife now begin to develop at different rates and in different directions. The goal for him is to: accept her liberation from her primarily domestic role; synchronize their development efforts more fully; share well in what they have in common; pursue their interests in an autonomous fashion; and work together toward a new and more intimate relationship.
3) House or a Home Base
He may make adjustments to living arrangements to suit the modified structure.
Optional – Kids
A man may have children that are now teenagers. They are approaching early adulthood, while he is leaving it behind. No longer a youthful father raising young children, he is a father entering middle age and seeking new ways of relating to his teenage or young adult offspring. He faces new responsibilities and new opportunities.
Opposition to the Modifications
A man making a radial critique of his life at 40 will be up against the parts of ‘himself’ that have a strong investment in the present structure. He will also often be opposed by other persons and institutions—his wife/partner, children, boss, parents, colleagues, the implicit web of social conformity—that seek to maintain order and prevent change.
Other Tasks of the Midlife Transition aka “The Midlife Crisis” (Between ages 40-45)
The other tasks identified previously continue to develop in this period.
Modifying the Dream
A man in midlife is evaluating in what ways has the dream been lived out.
Failure
The culminating event set forth in the dream that symbolized “making it” and “success” may now be experienced as a failure or a flawed success. The outcome is usually well below the man’s fondest hopes. They may have reached their ceilings with little hope for further advancement. This is likely to evoke a man’s worst fears: that he will never realize his potential, or—the most terrifying thought of all—that the potential was never really there. This may provoke a painful reconciling that he’s not as special, talented, skilled or as “good” as he thought he was.
Success
Other men successfully achieve their dream—they reach the top rung on the ladder. But they discover on the other side that there is “no happily ever after.” They may feel duped, deceived or ripped off. They then have to ask themselves: where on earth do I go from here? Now what?
Following Someone Else’s Dream
At some point a man may have to reconcile whether he followed his ‘own’ dream or a dream that his parents had for him and climbed the wrong ladder altogether.
Finding Freedom
The dream gave him a feeling of invincibility. He once had an attitude that “anything is possible” and “he could do anything he put his hands to.” He needed the dream, for as Goeth said, “For a man to achieve all that is demanded of him, he must regard himself as greater than he is.” But now either in success, failure or a flawed success he feels “deflated” and “wounded.” He experiences the disparities between the dream and the present reality, between the life he had hoped for and the life he’s got. He has a sense of a “gap” that will never be closed. On top of this, questioning the integrity of the dream leaves him feeling that his life lacks purpose, meaning and direction. Suddenly there is nothing to strive for. He may feel aimless and lost.
He begins a reappraisal process. He questions the “ladder” itself, the basic meanings of success and failure, and the value of the ladder. Painful as it is, deflation, appraising success and failure, and acknowledging the “gap” is a necessary step in overcoming the dominance of the dream. The task is not to get rid of the dream altogether but to reduce its power: to make its demands less absolute; to make success less essential and failure less disastrous; to give up interest in competitive rivalries; and to be less concerned with advancement and recognition. In other words, he steps off the ladder.
But there is a surprising upside: freedom. When he no longer feels that he must be a remarkable leader, CEO, writer or whatever his dream, he is more free to be himself and to work according to his own wishes and talents, and to find new meaning and purpose in expressing more of his ‘self’ through contributing to society.
Becoming a Mentor to Others
With the end of his own mentor relationships, he now reverses the role and becomes a mentor to other young adults. He may take on roles where he furthers the development of, teaches, supervises or guides young adults. This makes productive use of his knowledge and skills in middle age and becomes one of the most significant relationships available to a man in midlife.
Structure: Entering Middle Adulthood age 45-60
A man can no longer give so much energy to reappraising the past. It is time to begin a new period. The main tasks now are to make crucial choices, commit to these choices and build a life structure around them. Although he wants to make major commitments and build a new life structure, it’s not easy to do so. He may need the beginning of the entering middle adulthood period to establish the choices on which the new life structure will be built.
Exploring and “Testing” a New Structure
The rebuilding process requires many steps. He must do some exploring to determine what options the world holds for him—and often there seem to be none. He has to make and “test” various preliminary choices. Some do not work; he has to overcome his disappointment and go on to others. He may try several jobs, or several career options, before settling for one that suits him well. He may separate, divorce, and enter a series of casual relationships or test out new ways to strengthen the marriage/partnership. He may make several geographical relocations before finding a place he likes.
Priority Shift: From Job/Work/Career to Family
The biggest adjustment in entering middle adulthood is a complete shift in priorities. The structure until age 40 was built prioritizing his job/work/career. But gaining freedom from his dream and establishing his legacy around social contribution in the midlife transition (age 40-45) the #1 priority has shifted from job/work/career and instead it’s now on his family (marriage-partner and possibly kids). His major investment is now in his family and being an active father. He gives less time to his work and more time to his wife/partner and kids.
The Wants vs Don’t Wants
It’s at this period a man gets clear on what he wants and doesn’t want. But the priority now becomes about family and home. He doesn’t want to live as he did before. He wants to be more firmly rooted on the ground. He may say things like “I want to live where I’m living now, have a job anywhere within an hour’s drive and earn reasonably good money.” “I want flexibility.” “I don’t want to travel away from home.” “I want to have control over my work and life.”
Reprioritizing the Life Structure
1) Job/Work/Career
The men interviewed made different work choices. Here’s a list of what they became, moved to or started between 45-60:
Moved to administrative duties at his company and resisted the pressure to take on leadership or managerial positions.
Became a mental health worker at a local hospital.
Started his own barber shop.
Early retirement and started teaching part-time at a university closer to home.
Became a scoutmaster.
Started working in a small hardware business.
Started acting as a consultant to companies.
In these new roles, they’d given up the image of “making it.” Instead they accepted themselves as middle-aged men of considerable achievement and experience but with serious shortcomings. They found smaller jobs they could do, rather than overreaching themselves. They were ready to settle for a good deal less than the dream—jobs with a stable income that would give their family a settled life. They found ways to draw on the artistic, creative side of themselves. They enjoyed mentoring relationships with graduate students and other young people. They now felt privileged to do work they enjoyed and make a modest social contribution as a parent, teacher and mentor to the younger generation. They had a greater sense of well-being.
2) Marriage/Partner
His wife/partner may find a satisfactory balance between involvement in family and part-time professional work. He may become closer to his wife/partner and support her expansion from the home to new occupational and community involvements.
3) House or a Home Base
He finds joy in the new experiences like eating meals with his wife/partner and the kids, having BBQ’s and playing catch in the back yard with his kids and generally enjoying “greater family closeness.”
Optional – Kids
He focuses on building relationships with his children which give him greater satisfaction. He ‘learns’ to spend time with his children, who teach him the pleasures of leisure; hiking, fishing and nature. If the children are older the family nest may be emptying as kids leave home.
Subsequent Periods in Late Adulthood age 60+
In the early sixties middle adulthood normally comes to an end and late adulthood begins. The character of living is altered in fundamental ways as a result of numerous biological, psychological and social changes. This era needs to be recognized as a distinctive and fulfilling season in life. It lasts from about 6o to 85.
Bodily Decline
At around 60, there is again the reality and the experience of bodily decline. A man does not suddenly become "old" at 50 or 60 or 80. In the fifties and sixties, however, many mental and physical changes intensify his experience of his own aging and mortality. They remind him that he is moving from "middle age" to a later generation for which our culture has only the terrifying term "old age." No one of these changes happens to all men. Yet every man is likely to experience several and to be greatly affected by them.
There is the increasing frequency of death and serious illness among his loved ones, friends and colleagues. Even if he is in good health and physically active, he has many reminders of his decreasing vigor and capacity. If nothing else, there are more frequent aches and pains. But he is also likely to have at least one major illness or impairment—be it heart disease, cancer, endocrine dysfunction, defective vision or hearing, depression or other emotional distress. He will receive medical warnings that he must follow certain precautions or run the risk of more serious, possibly fatal or crippling illness. Men around б0 differ widely; some face a late adulthood of serious illness or impairment, while others lead active, energetic lives. However, every man must deal with the decline or loss of some of his powers.
Societies View of Aging
In addition, there is a socially defined change of generation in the sixties. If the term "middle-aged" is vague and frightening, what about our terminology (and imagery) for the subsequent years? The commonly used words such as "elderly," "golden age" and "senior citizen" acquire negative connotations reflecting our personal and social anxiety about aging. To a person in the twenties, it appears that passing 30 is getting "over the hill." In the thirties, turning 40 is a powerful threat. At every point in life, the passing of the next age threshold is anticipated as a total loss of youth, of vitality and of life itself.
Retain Youthfulness
What can it mean, then, to approach б0 and to feel that all forms of youth-even those seemingly last vestiges remaining in middle age are about to disappear, so that only "old age" remains? The developmental task is to overcome the splitting of youth and age, and find an appropriate balance of the two. In late adulthood the archetypal figure of age dominates, but it can take various forms of the creative, wise elder as long as a man retains his connection to youthful vitality, to the forces of growth in self and world. A man may fear that the youth within him is dying and that only the old man—an empty, dry structure devoid of energy, interests or inner resources will survive for a brief and foolish old age. His task is to sustain his youthfulness in a new form appropriate to late adulthood.
Relinquishing Responsibility
In late adulthood (60+) a man can no longer occupy the center stage of his world. He is called upon, and increasingly calls upon himself, to reduce the heavy responsibilities of middle adulthood and to live in a changed relationship with society and himself. Moving out of center stage can be traumatic. A man receives less recognition and has less authority and power. His generation is no longer the dominant one. As part of the "grandparent" generation within the family, he can at best be modestly helpful to his grown offspring and a source of indulgence and moral support to his grandchildren. But it is time for his offspring, as they approach and enter middle adulthood (age 45-60), to assume the major responsibility and authority in the family.
Job/Work/Career and Retirement
In his work life, too, there will be serious difficulties if a man holds a position of formal authority beyond age 65 or 70. If he does so, he is "out of phase" with his own generation and he is in conflict with the generation in middle adulthood (age 45-60). His task is to help the next generation assume greater responsibility and move towards retirement.
Some men can retire with dignity and security as early as 50, others as late as 70. Within this range, the age at which a man retires from formal employment, and especially from a position of direct authority over others, should reflect his own needs, capabilities and life circumstances.
After "retirement" in this specific sense, he can engage in valued work, but it now stems more from his own creative energies than from external pressure and financial need. Having paid his dues to society, he has earned the right to be and do what is most important to himself. He is beyond the distinction between work and play. He can devote himself in a serious, playful way to the interests that flow most directly from the depths of the self. Using the youthfulness still within him, he can enjoy the creative possibilities of this season. Financial and social security are the external conditions for this freedom of choice and creating meaningful work-play in his later years.
Post-Retirement Years
A primary developmental task of late adulthood (60+) is to find a new balance of involvement with society and with the self. A man in this era is experiencing more fully the process of dying and he should have the possibility of choosing more freely his mode of living. Without losing his love of humanity, of his own tribe and of his self, he can form a broader perspective and recognize more profoundly our human contradictions, creativity and destructiveness.
Coming to Terms with Death
As a man enters late adulthood he feels that he has completed the major part—perhaps all—of his life work. His contribution to society and to his own immortality is largely completed. He must arrive at some appraisal of his life. The developmental task is to gain a sense of the integrity of his life—not simply of his virtue or achievement, but of his life as a whole. If he succeeds in this, he can live without bitterness or despair during late adulthood. Finding meaning and value in his life, however imperfect, he can come to terms with death.
Conclusion
So that’s a man’s “life cycle”; a series of structure building and transition periods each lasting about 3-10 years. But if you zoom out from above you can see a man’s life more simply as just two half’s.
The first half of his life is based more in the external world; striving for success, “making it” and realizing his dream. The dream acts like a core which is central to his existence and character and gives his life an aim, purpose and direction. The primary components; job/work/career, marriage/partner, home base, and maybe kids are built, fixed or molded around this core.
But in midlife, the core that supported his entire life structure begins to corrode and deteriorate, leaving him questioning the very foundations on which he’s built his entire life. He becomes trapped or stuck with a leaky or rusty core. Soon he “hits breaking point” or “hits rock bottom” and he cannot live like that anymore. It’s time to pull it down, renovate and re-build.
The second half of his life is based more in his internal world; he finds new purpose, meaning and direction in expressing more of himself through contributing to society and leaving a legacy. This becomes his new central core that supports his structure for the rest of his life.
